Sometimes Up To Something

So today is Trans Day of Visibility. The UK has been very disappointing lately. Having all these laws and rules that discriminate against Trans people. Not letting people like my sibling get the treatments that would improve their mental wellbeing. And even though I don't consider myself to be Trans, it's things like this that make me feel the need to hide my Nonbinary, Genderfluid, and She/They badges from certain family members who still use the wrong pronouns for my sibling (He/They). Most of the time, I don't feel male or female on the inside, but I don't mind having a female body purely because of that (yes this body does have issues but I'm working on them). Sometimes I do feel more feminine, and sometimes I do feel more masculine, but I don't want to have male reproductive parts. My gender is whatever it wants to be.

I ended up telling the truth to my Dad about that Universal Credit thing. The plan was for me to leave work training early and meet Mum in town and we'd go to the library for the phone appointment, then I'd hang around in town after and eventually go home. But then yesterday my Mum said she had to stay at home because she had deliveries coming. I got stressed out when she didn't answer my texts and when I tried to call her, and my Dad heard. Then he heard most of what I said on the phone when she did answer. I told him I didn't want to tell him until after Tuesday because I didn't want him to worry, but he said he might be able to help with it. I should have known I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret that easily. I feel like I upset him if he heard me say I didn't like the idea of him asking all these different questions. It often does feel too much for me, though, like I'm being bombarded with them. Sometimes I need a break. Anyway, we all agreed it w...

Daylight Savings Time, British Summer Time, whatever it's called. Isn't it oudated? Didn't they only introduce it because people used to work outdoors more often? The thing is, not only do some countries not do it at the same time as others, but some countries just don't boher with it at all. And it makes time zones even more confusing than they already are. And also it's just proof that time really is just meaningless and nothing but a construct or whatever. Maybe I'm not using the right words. I'm one of the people who thinks we should just do away with it. Especially since it means it gets darker later so less time for stargazing. I'm still trying to think of when the best time to get up in the night to see things I haven't seen yet will be. 

My Dad is still complaining about there not being much to watch on TV. I feel bad because I didn't want him to have BBC One on while the final of Gladiators was on while I was still downstairs because I was going to be too busy to watch all of it tonight (too bad they only release the episodes on iPlayer early if its usual airing timeslot is postponed), but there was nothing else on at that time and he said he didn't really want to watch the only new episode he hadn't seen yet of one of the shows he watches on streaming because then he'd have nothing to watch another time, but ended up watching it today anyway. I don't know what other kind of entertainment he would enjoy. I've got the internet and video games, he seems to only like TV and podcasts. Is it really my responsibility to find something for him, though? I still feel bad about earlier, I think he understands that I'd rather not see part of an episode when I'm too busy to watch it live because it...

It's that time of year again. The time of year where in the city centre, there's a market with many local creators selling things. Lots of different types of things, made locally. So I just had to go there today. I could have gone tomorrow after the youth club, or on Sunday, but I wanted to go today. So I went, and I looked around, and I got some stickers, and something to eat for lunch. It's a nice thing to do, really. And I prefer to go by myself, although there is one person who I wouldn't mind coming with me, especially since one of the stalls is cat-themed and as it turns out, sells hair clips just like one of the ones this friend got me for Christmas. She must have gotten it online or something. 

Look at me being all alliterative with the title there! So, at the social group I go to, most people will usually end up making a pasta dish for lunch. Which is difficult for me since I'm trying to eat less refined carbs. I already feel like I regained a bit of weight just from one weekend where I ate more regular pasta and white bread plus some white rice. Anyway, the person who runs the group seemed to have gotten tired of having pasta just about every week. So I was under the impression that the next person whose turn it was to make lunch would do something else. Nope. Pasta again. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have made myself a pasta dish last night, nor would I have left the leftovers out on the stove (the kitchen is quite cold). So now I have to go and put the leftovers in a container in the fridge or freezer. At least it means I should have something ready to heat up and eat on Saturday when I'll be busy.    

Come on, it's officially Spring now!!! It should be getting warmer!!! But instead we have cold wind, sudden bursts of rain and hail, and at night I'm still cold even with a coat on!!! The Simpsons were on to something when they came up with "Lousy Smarch Weather". Loads of people use that to react to the unpredictable weather, especially in March. But at least the sky is clear right now so I can see the stars and the moon. I never seem to know when the moon is visible. 

We've had a problem with the hot tap in our bathroom for a while now. First it started making noises. Then it started dripping, and wouldn't stop. I had to stop using it (which was a very hard habit to break) in case repeated use just made it worse. Which meant whenever I wanted to use hot water to wash my hands or my toothbrush (I always give my toothbrush a wash with hot water before I use it, got to get rid of those mouth germs), I had to go in the kitchen. And today... I still do. My Dad got in touch with at least two plumbers about getting this tap fixed, but they never got back to him. Apparently there aren't many plumbers who are willing to take on such a small and simple job. So he asked someone my Gran recommended to him who he referred to as a "Handyman". He was supposed to come over today. So I got home, went in the bathroom... And the hot tap was still dripping. When my Dad came downstairs, I asked him what happened. He said that person had been over b...

Am I the only one who plans out conversations in my head, and then when I don't get to have them because the person who I was planning to have them with isn't available, it stresses me out? You see, I'm not generally good with conversations, but if there's something I want to talk about, I'll find a time to bring it up, and I may even have some extra things to say planned in advance, so that's how it becomes a conversation. And when my plans don't get to be carried out, that's when I get frustrated and upset over it. If I was any good at drawing cartoonish comics, I'd draw a comic to try and show a visual representation of it. Just imagine a figure thinking about a conversation and imagining that they're having it with another figure, in a tought bubble. Then imagine them on their way to a place, and they find that the person they wanted to have this conversation with isn't there. Then imagine a visual of the thought bubble from the first pan...

I keep getting these headaches, which I feel like they might be caused by ear pressure.  It's hard to tell, though. Might be a sinus-related thing instead. Many years ago, I once had really bad ear pressure. The trapped air in them (that I got from blowing my nose during a cold) just would not go away. And it meant I had trouble hearing as well. Eventually, I went to a walk-in centre and I wated for hours and hours, only to be told that my ears had too much wax in them. I was prescribed olive oil drops to use for about 2 weeks... Which did nothing. So I had to get an appointment to get my ears cleaned, but I had to go to a different practice to get it done. Well, once I finally had them cleaned, I could hear just a bit too well. I'd never heard that clearly before. Anyway, that's my story for today. 

I've never liked showing off my hairline. It's an unusual shape, quite uneven, and I have a huge forehead. So I try to make a frame around my face with my hair. At the moment my hair feels thinner, and I don't know why. I've been drinking tea with spearmint in it to try and sort out my hormonal problems, so shouldn't my ahrinne doing the opposite? And I'm still getting some dark hairs on my neck and chin. Well, it's not even been 2 months, maybe I need longer. I do feel like I have some short hairs growing at my temples, so maybe that's a sign.

Well, today is officially the start of Spring. Which means this weather has a good reason to be here. But my body is still adjusting to the changes. My sinuses are getting blocked easily and it's giving me headaches, and my health anxiety over recent events isn't helping. I'm thinking of trying to find some more usic to listen to, specifically from the 2000's. The other week, someone at work training put on a radio station that plays 2000's music and it really took me back. Some of these songs are much better than I remember. Maybe I shouldn't always dislike things my Mum dislikes. There's some stuff she does like from there as well.

It's nice that the skies are clear again, especially at night. I can go out and look at the stars again. Although things will be changing soon with the clocks going forward (I still think we should do away with it, most countries don't do it at all) and then I'll get confused about what's supposed to be where and at what time. It might soon get to a point where I start setting alarms to get up in the middle of the night and see what's in the sky. It might be the only way I can see certain constellations. I want to have seen all the Zodiac constellations by the end of this year, and some are harder to see than others, especially with shorter nights.

I'm scared of what I've been seeing in the news about this Meningitis thing. Apparently it's the more dangerous kind, and the only vaccine for it is only available privately and expensive. And I'm worried it'll be the COVID-19 pandemic all over again where it spreads across the country, only this time it's more deadly. I can't go through that again!!! The pandemic is how my health anxiety got so bad in the first place. I was so scared of hearing about thousands of people dying each day, including a collegue of my Mum's, so scared whenever I heard people I'd been near had caught it... And then when I finally caught it myself, it was during a heatwave, and I was in so much discomfort with body aches, a headache, a sore throat, and not being able to enjoy my favourite juice because it tasted weird. And that was after having 3 vaccines. So is all this online stuff an overreaction, or is it completely justified? How likely am I to catch Meningitis just by...

The problem with disappointment is that even if you prepare yourself for it, it doesn't make it hurt any less. My Dad postponed the date he was to be going away, because my Stepmother is coming over here for 2 weeks for work-related things, and she didn't like the idea of him being all by himself for that long. To tell the truth, neither did I. But the thing is, I was looking forward to April because I had April all to myself last year, and I loved it! So I was looking forward to having that again. Especially the first weekend, where it would be Easter and I wouldn't have the youth club and I was planning on doing a big clean of the house. But now that's all been taken away from me. I'll only get May to myself now, and then another month or so of not being alone, and then I should hopefully be alone again but I'll have to brave spider season by myself. So what do I do? My plans for April will now have to change. I'll have to play my games that I was planning...

I think these changes to my diet and the resulting weight loss and possible internal changes to my body might have given me more engery, somehow. I feel more energised, and I feel bouncier, like I'm really understanding what it means to have a spring in my step. I know it sounds hard, making changes to your diet to be healthier, but it does get easier, especially when you start to experience the results. And you don't have to give up the things you like completely, you can still occasionally have them as treats, or find a healthier version of them, or pair them up with something healthy to balance it out if it's high in sugar or carbs. I made these changes because I'd had enough of not knowing when a certain thing would happen each month. So far it seems to be working. The weight loss and extra energy is a nice bonus.  

I spoke to my Mum on the phone today. And she told me they'd had some competition at work where they had to talk about someone they found inspiring, and she chose me. How exactly am I inspiring? She said it's because even though I have trouble empathising, I still try to help people and be nice to them. Being nice isn't easy, you know!!! I had to learn to be nice over the years, and keep doing it until it felt more natural!!! Even now, sometimes I wish I could have a break from it. And it's taken me such a long time as well. So much guilt and remorse caused by people being mad and disappointed at me has shaped me into it. Maybe the fact that I feel guilt and remorse is proof that I'm a good person? But it still feels selfish of me. My ex told me that I only wanted to make people happy so that I could be happy. Of course, I shouldn't listen to anything he believes, but I still think he had a point. But then I also ended up doing things to make him happy that were...

My mood's been quite good lately, mainly because of my diet changes that are giving me a noticeable difference to my health (I feel like I can move more, I feel bouncier somehow), but it can still be easy to upset me. I got really worried about one of my online friends (who I actually got to meet in person last year). She's had a health issue and had to have a surgical procedure for it.  So when she said she was feeling loads of pain today, of course I got worried. I wanted to cry, but my Dad was nearby and I didn't want to explain why. But later, when playing games with my other online friends, I got really stressed out over a silly thing (the RNG kept on not choosing me to have a turn choosing something before the game ended). I just really wanted to be satisfied, but I didn't want to keep playing the same game. In the end,we settled for one more game where we'd finish it early after I got my turn. These online friends of mine (again, some of which I've been l...

I haven't been swimming since last month, so I really wanted to go today. It was good, but I think I need a new suit. Recently I've been doing loads of walking, mainly because I end up being early on my way to work training because I get the early bus in case the bus at a more suitable time ends up being delayed. And I've also made changes to my diet to see if it would help the problems with my... female side. So I've lost some weight, or at least enough for there to be a noticeable difference in my clothes. Which means the suit I wear for swimming is quite loose on me now. It's not just the weight loss - I've had it for years and it's probably ended up getting stretched out over time. But it feels like a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. And it doesn't help that the cheat area is desined for someone with larger breasts than mine. Seriously, I have barely anything there. So I think I'll need to get a new one soon. But where do I get one from? 

So I'm alone in the house (my Dad is away until tomorrow night) and playing a game (got to get through that backlog) when I hear strange noises. I take my headphones out a bit, and the noises sound even stranger. The only thing I can think of it being is rain. Really fast rain. It's been windy all day, so I shouldn't have been surprised. Because it was VERY windy. So windy that even some doors had trouble withstanding it. Now I'm wondering if it's because of another one of those storms with names. I don't know if it's a UK one or somewhere else in Europe if it is, but I certainly witnessed it. 

The main reason I wanted so many visuals in my story was because I wasn't so good at describing things, especially my alien characters. But listening to audiobooks has given me a bit more confidence. People always say reading makes you better at writing. So does listening to someone read, especially since they're able to use different tones of voices for the narration and characters. I still want to have some images in my story, and official art of the characters, but maybe I'll just save that for certain scenes. 

Something my Dad is bothered about is how there aren't many interesting TV shows on most evenings at the moment, or new episodes of shows released on streaming services. Monday has the Quiz shows, but one of the three they usually have on has finished, while the other two are close to finishing, and then we'll have to go a few months without those before they start up again. And then there's not much on the other days either. I've not got many shows to be invested in at the moment, and I have other ways I can entertain myself, so it never really bothered me when there was nothing interesting on. I don't know what my Dad could do to be less bored in the evenings.  

People are panicking right now over these supposed reports about the producers at Strictly Come Dancing actually being ruthless for the first time in years and dropping certain professional dancers. I wasn't too worried about my fave at first, but now it seems uncertain as to whether he will survive the cull or not. On the one hand, the pro lineup had gotten too big because many of them didn't want to leave on their own accord, and it's good if they're trying to reduce the number of pros on the bench (which would probably go back to 0 is not for having to take same sex partnerships into account). But on the other, quite a few of the ones who have supposedly been axed or given a lesser role are those who people thought haven't had much of a chance to shine, and because of that they haven't connected well with viewers, which is more likely to get them dropped. Anyway, I hope this all gets cleared up soon, and it turns out my fave is safe. I started watching the la...

Today I inadvertantly ruined my Dad's day. I feel awful. All I wanted was to clean the inside of the microwave because it seriously needed cleaning, but I thought the bulges on the ceiling were bits of food that had stuck there and gone mouldy, and I wanted to scrape it off, only to find out too late that it was actually paint that had somehow bubbled, and now there was exposed rust on the inside. And then I saw the paint was peeling off the front area behind the door as well. So I had to tell Dad about it in case he tried to use the microwave and it wasn't safe, and I'd already started looking online for microwaves. But it turns out he's very selective about what he wants from it. He wanted one that had a high power level, and that had a ceramic interior, and was large on the inside as well. But it was hard to find all those things, especially within a certain price range. So he's spent most of the day looking for microwaves because I was wrong about it being simpl...

One of my characters in Asterism has the ability to know future events, but there's a bit of a paradox with them. There are some things that she tells people will happen because she knows that they know it will happen, but other things that she has to keep quiet about until they happen because people aren't supposed to know. And every time she tries to defy this, something happens that prevents her from spoiling it, or causes her to spoil it when she didn't want to. So sometimes people aren't happy with her for spoiling things they would rather not know about, and she completely understands that because there have been many things she's wanted to warn people about but couldn't. It doesn't help that most people find her creepy because she has a rather creepy smile and the way she talks also sounds a bit creepy to them because she NEVER raises her voice. But even if she is a bit creepy (even more so when Misunderstood), she does feel remorseful when something ...

The weather really can't make up its mind. After a few days of the sun, it's gone cold again. Well, I guess that's March for you. Hopefully the further it gets into the month, the less likely that is to happen. When should I start wearing sun cream again? Is April too early, or is it just the right time? I'm not sure if I should have used it this week or not. 

Every 2 years, I go and get an eye test. That's how its been for ages now. I used to go with my family, and then at some point, I ended up going on my own, and that's how it's been since then. This is actually one of my favourite things to do because it's one of the few things I can do all by myself. The place I go to has very good staff who talk me through everything that happens - I don't need anyone else's help there. And it's important to make sure your eyes are healthy, and to also see if your prescription needs updating if you have one. So that also means it's new glasses time whenever I go there. It took me ages to decide on a pair, I couldn't find one that was perfect enough for me. So a week from now, I will have new glasses. I ended up going for the more expensive anti-glare option because I think it won't have the problem my current glasses have where lights end up having lines or points coming out of them (I don't know how else to...

It's getting to the point where I don't need to wear my coat all day now. But the fact that the weather changes so fast can still trick me. This morning it was cold and misty. Then the sun came out and it got warmer. But then the clouds crept up again so I still couldn't get a good look at the night sky. Anyway, I've been thinking about my game backlog. There's quite a few games I still need to get through, including some where I'd previously only watched Let's Plays but still wanted for myself (they're very story-driven).  The problem is most of these games are long, and I'm busy all day and when I get home, I don't want my Dad interrupting me, but I can't stay upstairs all evening because I still need to feed myself. So what to do for this month? At the moment I'm thinking of trying the RPG that should be shorter, but I still think it could take a while to finish unless I get REALLY hooked. I don't want my wait until my Dad leaves f...

My backpack has some badges on it. They were nice badges, but sadly, most of them were ruined by the rain. So I've gotten the idea to replace them with patches because if I remove the badges, there will be holes that will bother me even if they're so small no one can see them, and I also don't want my bag to look too boring. The main problem I have right now is that I can't tell what material it's made from. It does seem synthetic, but there's more than one type of synthetic fabric, right? And I couldn't find any tags or anything to say what it's made from. So I wouldn't want to risk ironing these patches on (although the iron's buried somewhere in a cupboard anyway). So what are my other options? I wouldn't be good at sewing them on, especially with how stiff the bag's fabric is. So I would have to use glue. But which kind? I need a fabric glue that's strong and won't come off in the rain. Where will I find that?  

Now that I'm wearing trousers more, I don't really need to wear boots unless I wear a skirt or dress, or it's hot weather and I wear shorts (mainly because I think it looks better than shoes that don't cover all of my ankles and the bottom of my legs). So I had a look around some shops for some black trainers that have a decent grip. The best ones I could find weren't waterproof like I'd wanted, but I'll just have to live with that. It's surprising how many "black" shoes have white soles. No, I can't wear shoes with any white on them because they'll get dirty very easily. By the way, I always prefer practicality when it comes to shoes, along with simplicity. Sure, I'd love to wear some cloppy shoes (shoes that go clop when you walk), but they generally don't have a good grip on them, and I'd rather not risk slipping if I have to run for whatever reason.

I decided I wanted to go out to this place I'd heard had lakes and places to walk. So I went there, and saw a load of interesting things. The weather was alright, it was nice and warm and sunny at first, but the clouds crept up. It's getting there, now that it's March.