Sometimes Up To Something

Recent feelings of irrational biterness and resentment have motivated me to write a storyline based on it, and quite an early one as well. If this is what helps me work through my frustration, then I'll do it. Anyway, in Asterism, many characters have objects called Attachments that can heal them if they're injured, but there's some kind of corruption that can affect them which can result in the characters becoming Misunderstood - that means they become a version of themselves based on negative perceptions of them, which inreases their own negative feelings. Very often, they'll demand some kind of catharsis, which they will try to obtain by taking out their negative feelings on people they believe have wronged them. They also take on the physical traits of the personifications of their Attachments, resulting in some rather terrifying appearances, which don't really help matters.   Here is someone who became Misunderstood, resulting in his irrational grudge towards a...

Today was a bit stressful and annoying. I got a message last week saying I had to have a review for my Universal Credit claim. Not only did I have to arrange a time that my Mum and I were both available, but it wasn't even a proper appointment, it was just them telling me what to do - which is exactly what they'd told me in the message last year without having to call us about it. Apparently they changed their system. WHY?! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! Seriously, we could have avoided having to go out out today (in this awful weather), if they'd just told me online that I needed to show them my recent bank statements just like they did last year!!! But no, instead we had to give up some of our time just to be told we would later have to give up some more of our time!!! I swear they're making our lives harder for us on purpose (is this their way of making us work for the money?), but it's not just our time they're wasting, it's their own time as well. Anyway, hopeful...

Unlreated to my previous post. So I'd agreed to make lunch at the social group today. The idea I had in mind was a Thai style curry. The simplest recipe I could find ended up having to have some modifications, though, namely replacing the prawns with chicken because not everyone likes prawns, and also not having onions because one of the people can't eat them for some reason (some kind of allergy?). I also wanted it to have more veg in general, so I went for courgettes and peppers (actually those are technically fruit). The person who runs the group wanted to have it with noodles instead of rice. I thought that was a good idea because as much as I like rice, I find it so difficult to cook without it sticking to the pan that I mainly just go for microwave rice, and it would be a hassle to microwave several packets of those for the number of people there. He also suggested adding beans to it, which I wasn't sure about because I didn't think they would go (I have been tryi...

It's like the weather suddenly remembered that it's nearly March. Although the clouds are still able to creep up on you. Which means still not much chance of clear skies at night. I've been trying to think of ways to make my lunches for work training more interesting. I think I might need a new lunchbox, one that doesn't have those compartments in so it's easier to wash, and then I want to see if I can get some dividers to keep my different foods separate, and if they're microwave safe then I can bring things to heat up as well! But the lunchbos I have right now has stickers on it and I'm worried that there's some I won't be able to take off without ripping them. Recently I've tried to eat some more healthier things, but I'm not sure if it being mostly fruit really is healthier even if they only contain natural sugars. There's this new craze with fibre, but I don't know if it's really making that much of a difference to my body (a...

I thought I'd try and get home from work training faster today (especially since one of the buses came really late) by getting off the first bus and going to the nearby tram stop. Did it make a difference? Well, it actually took around the same amount of time. The only real difference is that I had more space, and it had more movement that wasn't interrupted by traffic jams and stuff. Maybe I'll try it again tomorrow while remembering which bus it was that I caught so I can see if it arrives before or after the tram does.  

Seriously, the commute to get home is just so frustrating. There was a new game demo today that came out an hour earlier than I expected, while I was still stuck on the first of two buses, and I needed to stop at the shop on the way home as well. Now, there's 2 buses I can get home. One of them goes over 2 sets of train tracks which means if there are any trains, it slows you down. The other one stops near some crossroads that take ages to get across because the traffic lights and stuff take ages to change, and it's only if the road isn't too busy that I can just cut scross before I reach them. So usually I go for the first option, but for the last several times I've gone that way now, there's been a long queue of traffic, caused by something going on at the train tracks around a corner or two. Seriously, the traffic goes quite far back. And since I was in more of a hurry to get home... I'm starting to think those crossroads might actually be preferable.

That's more like it!!! Nice, blue skies and some sunlight!!! It makes the whole mood so much better!!! Or at least it did before the clouds crept up again. But at least it hasn't been raining where I live. Don't know about the rest of the UK, though. 

I really don't like crowds, especially after the pandemic. I often feel the need to cover my face if there's too many people around me because I feel like it's unhygienic to breathe in other people's breaths from being too close to many of them at once. I'll even wear a mask if I've remembered to bring one. But it's especially worse on public transport. If there's too many people already, you have to stand, and if not, you have to sit next to a stranger, or worse, have a stranger sit next to you, trapping you in your seat, and then if you have to get off before they do, you have to somehow let them know because they now have the burden of having to set you free. I always say "Sorry!" when someone has to do that for me. I've come up with this verbal stim that's also venting a bit, where whenever I'm on public transport that's too crowded, I feel the need to say that it's "PACKED!!!" Especially emphasising the P. Tod...

It's not too far from March now, and we're still getting rain every day somewhere in the UK. March is supposed to be when things start getting brighter and warmer and trees start growing more leaves, but if this keeps going, it's going to be yet another gloomy month. At least my cold seems to finally be on its way out for good. 

Seems like that cold did want to come back for more after all. I've been trying to power through it, because the social group were doing a trip today and I thought I'd look bad if I dropepd out at the last minute, especially since they went all out for it by getting a rather fancy coach (but smaller than the one for our wildlife park trip last summer). So many unexpected things happened to led to me having a meltdown, though. I felt terrible, not really because of the metldown itself but more the fact that my stress had made me act rude when I didn't mean to be rude, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I just had a build up and now I'd reached the last straw. That always seems to happen with me. I don't even realise how much I've got built up until it's too late. I will say, though, jumping on a trampoline is a surprisingly good way of letting out all that built up energy. Too bad I don't have room at home for one (and it would cost a lot anyway). I don...

I was fine this morning, but during my work training, the cold seemed to come back. I think because I didn't sleep well last night, and something happened which made me very anxious (Why now?). I've taken some more medicine, I just hope I can sleep it off again. I have social activities to do tomorrow. I guess I can have a rest on Friday.

  I went to bed a bit earlier than usual last night, after taking a medication that my Stepmother gave me last time I had a cold. It made me tired enough to fall asleep and stay that way for at least 8 hours, and wake up feeling well enough to get up and do things even with that uncomfortable feeling still in my throat and moving over to my nose. So I still went to work training because I was doing garden stuff today, I got some tissue and some sweets containing menthol on the way, and also took some Paracetamol and a decongestant tablet. And somehow managed to get through the day. It feels like this cold is almost gone now. Maybe that "Immune Support" tea I've been drinking really has helped, though I would have preferred not to have symptoms in the first place.

I always dread when I get a letter. It's probably bad news that came later than it should have. Most of the time it isn't, though, but it does give me anxiety when I see my name on it. Today I came home to a letter for me. Dad said it felt like there was a card in it. I had no idea why I would get sent a card. I was even more confused when I found it was a new debit card, when my current one (which I only got last year) doesn't expire for a few more years. Well, I had to call and ask about it. Last year I got sent a new card after receiving a text about a "suspicious transaction", but I'd had no such text this time. Apparently it's all done by a computer so I guess a text this time must have slipped through the cracks. So tomorrow I'll have to change all my payment details and stuff. I would do it now, but I have to make a contactless payment on the bus tomorrow (unless this feeling I've had in my throat all day turns out to be a terrible cold, ple...

My Mum's had a rough start to the year, so I went over to see her, even though the house is small, messy, and smells like cigarette smoke and dog. I just thought she'd appreciate it. I even got her some flowers and some shortbread. I did also want her to help me with a piece of clothing I'd attempted to upcycle but got too in over my head with. I didn't want to throw it away because it was a gift from someone who got the wrong idea about what I like to wear. She helped me change it with a type of sewing machine I hadn't seen before (maybe I could get one of those instead of a regular one? But I think both kinds have their pros and cons). The sky was actually clear for a while tonight, so I could look at the stars again. It's a bit freaky to me how the constellations look bigger when they'e closer to the horizon. Something to do with the atmosphere and the way light moves, or just an optical illusion? 

I thought I'd have to spend most of the year with my Dad here, but now it might not be that way. He said he might not go back to my Stepmother's home in Brazil until after my sister's wedding near the end of June, but now he thinks he might go back next month instead. And he said he wasn't planning on coming back during summer, or even over Christmas. On the one hand, I love living alone and having the house to myself. Whenever my Dad leaves for Brazil, the first thing I do is tidy up all the things he often leaves on various kitchen surfaces instead of in the cupboards or in one place. On the other, I do sometimes get lonely, especially on days when there's nothing I have to do, and I can't have a pet until I move out. And on a third hand, it means I will have to face spider season alone. Guess I'd better get back to looking at pictures and videos of huge spiders in perparation for August, which is when it starts. 

Work training today was alright, even if I was tired because I'm not used to getting up and going out early on Fridays. I spoke to someone I didn't get to speak to that much, and we have a common interest (namely, she'd been to the Strictly tour the same night I had). The only reason I don't usually do Monday, Wednesday, Friday is because Friday seems to be the only day my Gran is available for lunch, so I need to leave it free. Even though she's retired now, she still seems busy. I did think about maybe seeing about doing Monday, Tuesday, Friday, but then I remembered one of the restaurants we like to go to is closed on Wednesdays during the day. Maybe Monday? I don't know what she does on Mondays. I might need to talk to her about availability next time I see her. 

I have something serious to post about. CONTENT WARNING: Abuse, addiction, death Last night, my phone vibrated, and at first I thought it was just another notification about bus delays, but then it vibrated more, and I saw that my Mum was calling me. I hadn't expected to hear from her so soon after the night before. Anyway, I answered it, and she sounded sad, so I said "What's wrong?" "Your Stepdad died". I was quite shocked. I couldn't believe it. Then she said he died on 30th January, which I got confused by, until I realised she was talking about my first Stepfather, not my current one who isn't the healthiest and is dealing with losing his own father recently so that's why I thought he was the one that died, but no. That softened it a bit. Mum apologised for the miscommunication there. It's still bad for my younger siblings, though, since he was their Dad, and for his own Dad who's still alive. It's given us mixed feelings. On th...

I really am getting tired of all the clouds and rain now. I want the clear skies back!!! Anyway, last night I got worried because there was a bit of a miscommunication when I tried telling my Mum which buses to get, turns out the nearest bus stop to where she lives isn't in use because the road is closed, so she had to walk all the way to the bus stop near where the shop where she used to work. I told her 2 different bus times, but the way I worded it was saying that one was "at the same time" as the bus that she could have caught from her usual stop if it was in use. So she got the later bus. I was already worried enough, but then got even more worried when I sent another text asking where she was and she said she'd only just gotten on the bus. The bus that was supposed to come 9 minutes ago. And it was so late that according to the bus network app, there was another bus coming right after it. I panicked a lot, and someone noticed and asked what was wrong. So I told ...

Today is finally the day I get to see the Strictly Come Dancing live tour! They always leave my city so late, and it makes me feel like it's nothing but an afterthought. And how can I blame them? Things in this city have gone downhill oer the years, such as having fountains that they can't afford to actually turn on anymore and also can't afford to demolish so instead it's stuck there as a great big toilet for pigeons. Anyway I initially wasn't interesting in going because my favourite professional dancer's partner was unable to take part and I doubed he'd get to stand in for any of the other pros like he did last year (and even then it wasn't planned), until it was announced that because they had trouble getting enough people from the most recent series to take part, they brought back one of his previous partners who is not only great at dancing but who he also became good friends with. Since I'd missed all my other chances to see both of them danci...

Today was a good example of why I need to go to a place to train for work instead of trying to get a job right away. They had a delivery of new tables, meaning some of the old tables were moved into our room where we have breaks, meaning it had more tables, and also the room that was getting the new tables was off limits for a bit and I got upset because I was in the middle of a task someone had given me thinking it would be fine to still do. At least it's over with now though. 

I did a load of walking today. And also had a few bus rides after I got a transport card for the bus and tram that should hopefully save money in the long run.  

The other day I bought several pairs of trouders of different kinds, but that were wide enough at the end to cover my boots. I meant to only get a few pairs, but at one shop I went to, they had a deal where you could get 4 pieces of clothing for a certain price, and cnosidering how expensive clothes can be... But it's working out well so far. I really do look less wide in proportion to my (lack of) height. 

My Dad said maybe my bus rides would be better if I had something to listen to other than music. And maybe he's right. There's been a few times when I listened to something else because it involved one of my favourite celebrities, and it was nicer. So I thought I'd finally get round to trying to get into audiobooks. I haven't read books for years because they're too hands-on, you can't knit or make bracelets or clean or do anything else while holding a book in your hands.  Now my city's libraries are included in this app that lets you borrow ebooks and audiobooks. Only problem was, I needed my library card number, and I'd since lost my card (it's probably in a box somewhere at my Mum's house). So after 2 failed attempts at calling the library where it went straight to the hold music and no one answered for over 10 minutes, I resorted to going out in the cold weather to get to the nearest library (that was open) and ask for a new card. So whenever...

Today a friend of mine brought in this mechanism used to make round badges and magnets at our social group. I was the only one who really used it today, though. She's planning on bringing it to the youth club at some point. Anyway, as I'd recently thought of an idea for something I don't want to give any details for at the moment in case a certain person I know reads this, the night sky and constellations were on my mind, and I thought they'd make some good badge designs. This friend's sign is Leo, and I asked a few more people when their birthdays were to make badges for them as well. The others are Aquarius, Scorpius (Scorpio), and Gemini. You can see where the gold pen I used for the lines was starting to run out a bit.

I thought I was fine. I thought I wasn't so stressed that it was delaying a certain thing that hasn't happened yet that should have by now. Until I remembered something that causes me a lot of frustration: Bus delays. Whenever the bus is late or gets stuck in traffic, I just get so stressed about it that I have to verbally complain to let it out, I really need to vent! Every time someone wants to get on or off the bus, I get really annoyed because stopping to do that uses up even more time, and it's even worse when there's so many people on the bus and I have to hide at the back and hope no one comes near me because I REALLY don't like sitting next to strangers, especially if one comes and traps me by sitting next to me and then I have to get off before them which means they have to let me out when I'd rather not have to interact with them AT ALL!!! The thing is, while I can lessen that on my way to work training by leaving early (although that doesn't alway...

The biggest thing I'm insecure about when it comes to my body shape is my sticking-out backside. Even after losing a bit of weight to the point where it feels flatter and I can feel my bones when I sit down (I'll admit it does make a good built-in cushion), it still sticks out a bit. I've tried adjusting my posture, but it doesn't seem to do anything to make it stand out less. Because of this, and because I'm so short, it's been hard for me to find trousers that fit me right, so for years, I've worn shorts over leggings, which still hasn't helped, especially when paired with longer tops that I prefer wearing. But is it really that hard for me to find trousers that fit? Or is it just because I was only focused on jeans, which don't really have a stretchy or adjustable waistband. Maybe jeans are overrated. I just realised that the trousers my work training place gave me don't look too bad on me, they're a little bit longer than I would like but...

  "Where's the pheasant? Where is he?" is what I sometimes say to myself when I'm just around the corner from the place where I go for work training, because I have seen a male pheasant around there once or twice. Well, today I got off the bus at a different place to walk the rest of the way in a nicer area than right by a busy road (like I have been doing the past few times), and since the bus was early, I thought I'd explore that area a bit more. I ws just looking at the map on my phone to see if it would be worth going down one of the other paths at some point or if I'd be better off sticking to where I know, when suddenly, a pheasant flew past! So that meant I just had to go near where he landed to try and get some pictures of him. I don't know if it was the same one from near where I go for work training, it very well could have been if pheasants do get around places (I've seen a few in another area occasionally before, near where one of the peopl...

At last, January is over! That went on forever. And then February is shorter. And then it'll be March, and that along with April is one of my favourite months. But before then, it'll probably snow and disrupt a load of things. Just as long as it doesn't get in the way of 10th February...